I should have written this post an hour ago… because I proper had what I am going to describe as ‘to do anxiety’.
I just Googled the term (that I made up) and no results for what I have in my mind. Wow, maybe I should coin the phrase.
So what (IMO) is ‘to do anxiety’. To me, it is the feeling of never ever nearing the end of the to do list. I actually have several to do lists; and even worse my head is also a constant to do list. As well as feeling like I will always have stuff on that list I also worry that I have things I need to do that aren’t on the list! Completely ridiculous! Then even when I am having a pretty productive day I have anxiety that there’s still so much I want to do.
Does this sound familiar to anyone?
Personally I couldn’t survive without my to do list. So doing away with it and ‘chilling out’ isn’t exactly an option. When (and probably in the 6 weeks notice I had prior) I started my sabbatical from work it dawned on me that I was solely responsible for my future and if that future was to include skeleton. And that came down to MONEY MONEY MONEY.
Not that I wasn’t a to do list obsessive before October last year… just that as long as my work to do list was kept on top off I’d get paid every month! The pressure wasn’t there in the same way.
I think I am probably coming to terms with something that ANY self-employed person sees as part of their day to day. You see when you’re self-employed which is what I have become no one tells you off if you stay in bed till 1 pm every day or if you miss a training session (that’s sort of my job isn’t it). Likewise, if I fail to support myself financially over the next wee while it is only me that really suffers. The programme is constantly recruiting and should have a surplus of athlete; survival of the fittest isn’t it.
Today (Sunday), for example I had a very productive day. I can see that. I negotiated a new phone contract in Edinburgh, then headed home on the train to Stirling. On the train I tweaked a VO2max test report that I am writing for a client and drafted a few emails. Then I got home, did a wash, showered, ate (this is v important for productivity), packed for the next 5 weeks as I will be away. I then set about setting my new phone up and transferring important bits (social media apps obv) and letting a few key people know my number is changing (sorry if you’ve not had a text yet!). THEN, I finished and sent the report, bought a new phone case (argued with Ebay in the process), played with and broke my new website (!!!), fixed said website and posted a blog in preparation, scheduled a fair bit of social media for the coming days as I will be busy…
I’ve just eaten tea (chilli if you’re interested) and sat down to write this. I have gotten a lot done. I still feel on edge because although the rationale part of me knows that all of this contributes to the bigger picture (of earning) I just feel that I’m not getting anywhere. A big part of what I am trying to do is engage with potential sponsors and clients on social media.. but there is so much leg work in order to do this effectively that despite ticking things off the list It is like I am moving nowhere!
I am not moaning, I am trying to put across what my brain tells me on a very regular basis. It ultimately means that I find it very difficult to switch off. But most people work five to six days a week and have evenings off don’t they? So I do try and have time where I am not trying to think about my social media strategy or potential sponsors. For instance, getting training done Thursday and then going out for food and the ballet. But I can only be switched off for so long. After a day ‘off’ (and this goes for training too) the anx creeps in. I should be doing this and that blah blah. This tends to turn me into a grumpy, snappy person so its just best that I switch the laptop back on and tick one or two things off.
It’s almost 9pm now. I won’t sleep if I don’t stop babbling on soon! So for now I will be content with what I did get done today (and maybe write Mondays to do list). I’d love to hear from anyone else who gets what I am on about and how you don’t let it get on top of you!